onsdag 26 september 2012

[From my heart: an unusually honest post about myself]

I'm taking advantage of my current emotional state to write this. I thought a lot about it, and stll I can't really decide where to start. I giess I'll just choose the trigger, then.

It sounds silly, really. I just finished the last of 366 episodes of the Bleach anime. The ending wasn't anything special, but it was good and fair. I'm not going into detalis for those who hasn't finished it yet. And I've come to like some of the characters, a lot. I almost see them as real people, but I know they're not. There's this special bond you get, and it's hard to explain, but it's amazing. I've missed being obsessed with another world, characters, having something to think about when there are things that are heavy on your mind. I think anyone who has ever been in that situation as I am now, will know. I won't be explaining that feeling much further, because if you haven't felt it, you will probably not understand it anyway. But I hope you do one day.

The thing is, I have always wanted to create my own world. Somewhere I could change things, where I could make good things, maybe find myself in other characters. When I get stuck with something, it's really emotional and it's hard to explain why, even for myself.

I've always wanted to make my own world. I draw because I feel something for whatever I draw. Whenever something turns out great, it's because I love what I do. Whenever it turns out bad, well, you get the point. There are exceptions of course, but mostly, it works like that. When I was younger, I used to read books all day. I learned how to read at four years age, and how to write before I was six. Before I could write by myself, I used to make up stories right then and there, while having my mom writing it down for me. I was about four or five when I made my first story. It was about a girl, stuck in time with nowhere to go. I should have it somewhere, still.

When I was about twelve, everything in my life went upside-down. I stopped doing anything and everything I loved. And about six months ago, I finally felt like things were actually getting back to normal. I felt like, hey, I think I appreciate myself now. I think I know where I want to go. I think I'm finally standing up again. Details aren't needed, but I had a hard time with myself, and it feels amazing to realize that all that fighting is finally paying off.

There's just one thing left.

Like I said, I always wanted to create my own world. I still want to today. And I'm so torn between doing something I've always dreamed of, or doing something that I'm good at, but don't have any particular feelings for. I want to make my own story, a movie, a series, a book, a novel... anything that has a story and I want to use all my daydreams, nightmares, imagination, creativity... to do that. Sure, I'm really good at being a leader, I'd be a great boss at a big company, that I've made myself. I could see myself doing that. And that'd give me a lot of money, and I'd be able to give it to projects that I love and to people who work hard. I want to make people around me happy, help them when they are going through hard times, and having a lot of power and knowledge would definitely make it easier for me. But would I really be happy doing that? When it comes to it, isn't my own happiness more important than any of that? If I'm not happy, then how am I supposed to help anyone around me get any happier? When I'm sad, I'm really sad and I don't show that until I almost literally explode and cry for hours cause I've been building so much inside of me. And in the end, I don't even know what's true or not. Not even what I feel myself, at that moment. I just feel horrible, and every bad thing that could possibly pop up in my mind, does.

What I'm trying to say, or at least what I think I'm trying to say, is that I'm not so sure about which way I want to go anymore. And I don't want anyone to choose for me, I want that to be clear in my mind because I, myself, realize what I want. To follow my heart, or to follow my head? Everything is so messed up, and it always has been, but at least now I know where to start. I think I failed the last year at university for a reason, and I felt it the moment I realized I wouldn't make it. Maybe I gave up right then and there, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. A part of me just endured it, and the other part... well, it's just messed up.

2 kommentarer:

  1. You must never let others choose for you. Keep at it! No matter how late you decide on what you want to do, there is always time to do it! Within reason, at least...
    I believe in you, and I look forward to taking part of that world you speak of creating. You seem lush with imagination, and I'm really curious to read some of your first stories <3

    //A secret admirer

    SvaraRadera
    Svar
    1. I keep trying to find words for this, but I feel like it's impossible. Thank you so much, this really makes my heart melt.

      Radera